If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
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person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Your honor these allegations are
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.