[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
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Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
“Why you watching this shit?”
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Well, this certainly took a turn
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
a badder mouse