This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
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The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
2 years later
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Meow
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend