*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
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Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!