I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
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my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my exâs heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] youâre hired !!!
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now Iâll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope itâs not another bake sale
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just donât know.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Looking at a guy in great shape: đ„đ„
Looking at a girl in great shape: đđ
Looking at workout equipment: đ
âLemme do a quick poop and Iâll be right with you.â – me working the deli counter
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: Iâm a genie not a witch
detectives are always like âwhat were u doing the night of april 5thâ i literally couldnât tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I like to hide vegetables in my kidsâ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.