Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
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Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
😆this is so true
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Poetry is my passion
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it