Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
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*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.