Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
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Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
me after eating Cheetos
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.