Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I think this cat is broken
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”