Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
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How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.