I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.