i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
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Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.