Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
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My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
He’s dead
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
#JohnTravolta
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?