IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
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Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.