me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
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I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.