On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
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*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?