dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
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[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I want to meet the individual who made this
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck