ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
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My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?