Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
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I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.