Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
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7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash