if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
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DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Labreador
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
*aggressively waits in line*
Fat chances are my favorite chances
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.