The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
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Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.