Should I call tech support or pray or what
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HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
dogs can find happiness so easily
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”