ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
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My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
This is always good for a laugh.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it