STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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<—- homeless romantic
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!