I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
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HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
*ernest hemingway voice*
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Clients after you give them your rates
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?