Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
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Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.