*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.