At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
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Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Canadian owl: Eh?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.