[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
You Might Also Like
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.