His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
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Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.