Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
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My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.