nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
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the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.