*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
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If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD