I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
You Might Also Like
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
two people or more is called a problem
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo