me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
You Might Also Like
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.