My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
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Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.