If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
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Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Ferrari squats
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake