Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
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Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
the saddest jazz hands ever
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.