Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
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lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…