How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Nice try Hitler
Ghost costume 😂
Bless you
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!