Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
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When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.