Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
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My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
The Book. The Movie.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.