I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
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Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Mornin
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.