Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
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Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”