“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
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The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.