All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
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A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Message from the dog groomers
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.