“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
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ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue: