WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
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Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
*skinny dips into black hole
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?