My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
You Might Also Like
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make